I really think sleep is one of the big parenting controversies, like whether you breast or bottle-feed and whether as a mom you work outside the home or don't. Those of us that refuse to do the "cry it out" method for sleep seem to evoke some guilt in those who do whether we mean to or not...at least that's my theory about why it's such a hot button issue. What it really comes down to is that just like the working and the feeding, you just end up doing what you have to do to function as a family whether that was your pre-baby intention or not. I worked outside the home with Skylar because I had to, and bottle-fed (feed) Kaeleigh because my milk dried up, and eventually (granted she was 3 years old) we had to let Skylar cry it out, at least for a week or so.
Sleep history:
You all probably know this, but I'm a black-n-white kind of gal. As much flack (sp?) as I get for it, it's who I am and I'm not planning to change it too terribly much. I'm also an information gal, and with all the information I had when I was pregnant with Skylar, it was that putting babies to sleep on their bellies was absolutely forbidden. Then she came. And she would NOT sleep no matter where I laid her down. She'd wake up instantly. My mom was with me at the time, and tried and tried to convince me to put her on her tummy--that I'd been a tummy sleeper and lots of babies were and that's what she needed. I don't remember how long it took, but I know she eventually talked me into it, and Skylar finally slept. Wow. Of course, I checked on her almost constantly to make sure she was still breathing.
(I still do that, and Michael finally asked the other day "Honey, she's almost 8. How long do you think we need to keep checking on her? I don't think she's going to stop breathing." to which I replied, "She might. I'm still going to check.")
Anyways, following the tummy sleeping, Skylar still would only sleep if she was on me and so that's how we slept. For a long time. Probably a year or so. I eventually got tired of being stationary on my back with a squirmy baby and transitioned her to the crib, but it wasn't until Michael came along at 16 mths that we started getting her into a bedtime routine and a bed *time* at all. Previously, I'd let her stay up till she was tired which was often 11 or midnight and then *I* was awfully tired. Nonetheless, she didn't actually fall asleep by herself. We rocked and/or bounced her to sleep, and it sometimes took a long time. But I didn't have the heart to let her cry, and cry she did when I put her in the crib alone. As I mentioned earlier, when she was 3 (or maybe even close to 4) we'd had enough years of rocking her to sleep and came up with a plan and it took a week and we've been pretty much home-free since. It was a tough week, though, and had I been single it would never have happened. The only way to be that tough is to have someone with you who can both keep you strong "Only one more minute, babe, and we'll go talk to her and calm her down" and, probably more importantly, commiserate with you and feel the literal pain of hearing you child cry and just sitting there on your hands. And here we are again.
(I admire any of you still reading about my kids' sleep habits LOL)
Kaeleigh is luckily a back sleeper. I do still check to see if she's breathing, though. :) When she was first born, she slept on her back in the hospital beautifully. Since then she's needed quite a bit more work. The first few weeks, she needed walked. Walked and bounced mostly, but lots and lots of walking. And more walking. Really. It would take probably 20 minutes or more, and she liked to see new rooms while you were doing it. Then it was more the bouncing she was interested in, and at nearly 3 mths, she's not interested in walking much anymore unless she's already asleep and starts getting antsy. To get to sleep, she wants you to dance, and with music. Dancing while watching TV doesn't count, though I've figured out that I can turn on the stereo (which is next to the TV) and leave the TV on and still listen to it. Some part of my brain still hears the beat and dances--I'm impressed and grateful for that.
And so, if it was that easy we might just keep up with the status quo, although dancing when you're tired, be it night or day, can really suck. Because she wants DANCING, not just rocking back and forth. Oh no. But there's a new hiccup in our plan.
For her first month + of life, she slept only in her swing. That's the only place she'd stay asleep, besides on us. We've worked to get her to sleep in the crib, and she now will at night (most of the time) though that's not really because we're so fancy but because she apparently just decided to do it. She's gotten to be a really good baby about the night, too. She almost never stays up in the middle of the night anymore. She eats and goes back to sleep, or she'll just wake up and want danced back to sleep. Wow--those middle of the night 2 hour play sessions were killers, and when they pop up about once every 2 weeks we feel it. But I digress. So she was sleeping in the crib most nights and in the swing for her daytime naps, but she won't do that anymore.
Now during the day, she won't sleep anywhere at all unless we're holding her. And that doesn't work well. I really don't have a chance to eat until she naps and I can put her down. I can sometimes get food with one hand, but it's not healthy food or any kind of meal. Then there's the sore shoulder and arm muscles from a day of holding baby, needing to go to the bathroom, getting anything at all done in the house, and just getting a break and having two arms and some free time. The days that I'm holding baby all day and then taking care of baby all day lead to pretty crabby evenings. But even besides that, she's not acting all that comfortable. She'll toss and turn and fidget often during her average of 2 hour naps, so she's not sleeping that well anyways. So we have to do something. Blech.
We've read all the sleeping articles we have in our parenting magazines. They pretty consistently say to get a routine for bed and use a mini-version for naps and then there's the inevitable poopy part. You have to put them in the crib, let them whimper and be sad, and just go comfort them again and again. If she gets actually mad and cries, we're going to try to pick her up and calm her down and put her back down again. That's the plan. But I know Kaeleigh's personality and she's pretty smart and she'll put up with you doing what she doesn't like for a while--and then she really lets you know that she's not kidding around and that's not what she wants, thankyouverymuch. So--our plan for when that happens remains unplanned.
I'm not looking forward to this at all. Yes, it's hard to deal with this at any age, but she doesn't understand as much verbally as Skylar did at three so that's to our disadvantage. And of course there's the tear-brimmed eyes and the pouty lip that I've seen from time to time that breaks my heart (and Michael's). When Michael's home, we can do it together, but obviously the nap times take place during the day when he's not here 5 days/week. We are going to be trying to get her to lie down for bedtime and naptime without dancing. Had I not mentioned that yet? So it's a two-for-one. No more dancing *and* sleeping in the crib during the day. I, for one, think that any person wouldn't be too happy about having to just lie down all bored when they'd gotten to sway to music in the past which sounds much more fun.
I'm telling myself that I'll keep track of all the details with the intention of posting them on here, and then it'll be a little more like reporting than just being a mean mom, and hopefully that'll help a teensy bit.
What I am looking forward to, and even giddy at the thought of, is the end result. The idea of just laying her down in the bed when she's tired and she just goes to sleep? And then I have an hour or two to do whatever I want? No way! It'd be like magic!
We've completed step one of the "Sleep, baby, sleep" mission. We've come up with a song that will be part of our bedtime routine. I have to thank Anjanette for this, actually, because I got it from her posting it on her blog. We had to find a song that Michael and I can stand to hear for months and probably years over and over and over again, and it's the "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/what a wonderful world" mix by a Hawaiian folk singer with a name I can't recall but you all may already know. (Michael had heard of him) We're waiting on the CD from the library and we'll use that do dance her to sleep instead of various songs we use now. The hope is that her little brain starts to associate the song with bedtime and then we'll use that song to play in her bedroom when she's in the crib. So we'll dance her to sleep to that song for about a week and then on to Phase 2, or the suck phase.
We know she needs to learn to teach herself how to fall asleep, and get back to sleep. I just wish there was some way to do it without her feeling sad, which is totally normal when she's used to getting a warm, soft cuddle and sway when it's time to sleep. I'd be mad, too. :( Sometimes this parenting stuff isn't so fun.
Thank you to my husband for taking 'baby sleep on me' duty while I typed this novel. She's awake now and lying on the bed talking to Dad and laughing at him even though he's just talking to her. She's completely enamored with him--really.
